At times I wonder if there is any real sense of making choices on this world. Sometimes everything just seems to be predestined, much like a script of a play or a movie, where somebody has already decided that this is what’s gonna happen and that we make all the choices according to them. Sometimes I think that choice itself is an illusion. This is something I have been struggling with for most of my days here on this world in my life. Somehow it doesn’t seem to bother everyone else. They seem to be so comfortable with the life around them and seem to have completely accepted everything about it. I don’t understand how they can do that.

How can they not even bother to question the very essence of life? How can it not matter to them?
Am I really just a puppet of the universe? Are all these thoughts and decisions I make in my mind predetermined? If my current thought process is influenced by actions and experiences of the past then it means that they are not actually “my” thoughts aren’t they? They seem to be just results of what has already happened around me. Doesn’t that make you think that you don’t actually exist as a separate entity, but your existence itself is merged with the existence of everything else that makes you exist?

Then what is the purpose of our existence? Who defines this purpose? Can we define it if our act of definition itself is predetermined? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone does. Many world religions believe that God decides this. They believe that God sets our purpose in life and that we must fulfill it. But who decides God’s purpose? They say that it doesn’t matter since “God” is eternal. But that itself is a definition isn’t it? Who defined it? God? How can God be the ultimate definer? What if there is something that precedes God? And then something that precedes it?

The universe seems to be endless… there does not seem to be an end or beginning to it. It seems to go on and on. So does my existence as it is so tied together with the existence of everything else. I seem to influence so many things as well as been influenced by so much more. When does this cycle begin? When does it end? I think I answered that before. Or did I? This is truly perplexing. No wonder most people ignore this. I suppose that’s the smart thing to do.

Did I decide that, or was it already decided for me to decide?

Most of us Sri Lankans hate the LTTE. But Vesak marks the birth, enlightenment and death of the greatest master of compassion ever, the Buddha. So it is logical that we should at least TRY to spread some lovingkindness (metta) to our dear terrorists…

“Bomb threat”

“Avoid crowded places”

“Security measures taken”

“Not safe”

Wow they really put a wet blanket on Vesak didn’t they?

When I was younger, Vesak was truly a time of joy. We would go to the temple in the morning (cuz it is less crowded then) or maybe observe sil at the local DP (Daham Paasal / Buddhist Sunday School). In the afternoon, we would go sightseeing in the family vehicle or together with a bunch of friends to see the decorations. And man… did we love to see ‘em! There was so much to see and experience during Vesak, which in my opinion was cooler than the Sinhala New Year (probably because of the lights heh heh).

But all that is taken away from us now. We can’t go out and have fun without worrying about the fat lady standing next to us (is she gonna explode??? ) or that lonely parcel lying on the pavement (OMGs or “Hath deiyane!!”). The terrorists did a pretty good job of screwing it up. Thanks guys.

It’s hard to spread compassion to them with all this in mind, don’t you think?

I can hear you fundie-evangelists go “HA! That’s why we keep saying Buddhism is a false faith! It’s impossible to follow it! CONVERT, THOU HEATHEN!!!!”

Aha, but you see… Buddhism has already covered this. How?

“Impermanent are all composite things”.

Last time I checked, we were all pretty composite. We are all gonna die some day, be it by bomb or bus (this IS Sri Lanka we are talking about) or something else (like a rampaging minister-brat). Bottom line is, we’re all gonna snuff out one day. So enjoy life while you still can. And be nice to others. That pretty much sums it up.

“SILENCE! WE KILL YOU!!!!”

Terrorists… people who believe in causing terror. The more we are terrified of them, the happier they are. The more you are afraid of them, the closer they are to their goal.

“What can we do?” one may ask. “We are not superhuman! We are vulnerable to shrapnel and bullet. We can die by the mere heat of the bombs.”

Precisely.

Our strength is in our vulnerability isn’t it? We know we can die in so many ways and yet we take life for granted. If we truly realized that we will die eventually, death becomes something normal. And we tend to enjoy life to the max.

So what can we do? How do we overcome terror? By not being afraid. By realizing that we have the choice of not giving into these guys. By realizing that all they want to do is to divide us and to weaken us to gloat over our cowering forms. Doesn’t that piss you off? Don’t you want to fight back? Don’t you want to step in and take charge instead of letting them walk all over you?

I’ve faced death a couple of times. I have felt the raw fear of dying. I have felt the adrenaline pound through me. Each second that passed at those times whacked me on the head with hard doses of reality. “You are going to die. Are you ready?”. I was scared shitless.

But does that mean we give in to that fear? Let it overwhelm us? The choice is yours to take.

I almost drowned once.

I had a fear of drowning ever since. But I never gave up swimming. I didn’t give in to the fear, instead I used it to realize that I am vulnerable to drowning. But does that mean I am to deny myself the pleasure of a nice underwater adventure amidst the coral reefs of Sri Lanka? No. Hence, I still swim to better my chances of survival in water.

So it brings us back to Buddhism again (which is cool, because it’s Vesak!)

Life is suffering. Don’t bother sugar coating it. (I can hear the fundies go “Buddhism is pessimistic!”). Assholes like the LTTE and corrupted politicians make sure that you suffer for their benefit.

But this doesn’t mean we let suffering overwhelm us. Instead, in Buddhism we are taught to strive to transcend it. To elevate ourselves to a state beyond suffering. This is not some hippy-drug-acid-trip-trance thing. This is something practical and something possible. Never give up. Never give in.

Go out there! Enjoy Vesak! Enjoy life! (Now don’t go do stupid things like jump off buildings screaming “I AM IMMORTAL!!!! I HAVE INSIDE ME BLOOD OF…”*SPLAT*). Take a couple of calculated risks and chill! Live in the moment (while keeping a bit of a margin for the future) and let the past be. You have a choice. You cast the vote. You are your puppeteer. Don’t let anyone else pull your strings.

Oh now that you realize that you have a choice in the matter, try and spread a bit of compassion to ‘em terrorists will ya? Pau neh?

May this Vesak bring all of you peace and joy and remind you that you totally rock.

“Vayadhammā sankhārā appamādena sampādethā”

(” All things are perishable, through vigilance Awaken!”)

-         Gautama Buddha

PS: I have nothing against Christianity. I’ve just been dealing with a lot of unwanted (not to mention annoying) evangelism lately… *sigh*

I am sure many of you have heard the song the line above is inspired from. But I wrote this topic fully aware of the meaning I want to convey. How often do you come across something that is cold and unwanted? How often do you come across something cold and lifeless? Do you hold on to it or just drop it?

Now do you understand? It is cold. And you drop it because it is cold, because it has nothing to offer. It gives forth no warmth. No energy. It is dead and is simply not worth anything. “Drop it like it’s cold”. I hope you understand what I mean now.

Sometimes life takes on a form of a cold, dead piece of meat; rotting, casting out pungent fumes of toxic gas, consuming everything you liked within its grasp. It spreads its death around, along with apathy. What is one to do with  a cold life?

When one loses purpose in life, it becomes cold. Cold and dead. Drop it, for it is useless. Cease to exist. Go kill yourself.

But there is a way out. Before life becomes cold, the purpose dies. So when the purpose dies you drop the purpose, picking up a new one. Death to life and life to death. There is much to do inbetween. Do you understand me now? Drop it like it’s cold.

It’s cold. Useless. Dead. I will drop it now.

 “From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.”

- “Alone” Edgar Allan Poe

Do not jump into conclusions by reading this. It is merely an observation I have made.

 What does it mean to be different? 

Is it something strange? An anomaly? Something overly contrastable from the majority? Are not we all different from each other? I understand that most people share similar qualities and common goals… but a few of us do not. We have different tastes and interests. Sometimes this difference can alienate us from the rest of the herd.

 It gets awfully lonely in the forest sometimes. 

Sometimes, unable to deal with this loneliness, we try to fit in with the rest of the herd; mimicking their actions and emulating their thoughtstreams. For a while, we are content but after sometime we realize that we are not. We, after all, were merely living in an illusion we created and such illusions are not meant to last. For us, happiness is in truth and not in illusion. Perhaps that is why one such as I, does not find happiness in illusionary things for a very long time. Interesting.

Realizing our follies, we revert back to our original selves, re-establishing our original behavior and re-realizing our true desires or goals. Then the herd begins to see through us. Some of them may accept us, and some of them may not. Either way, the process of slow isolation begins, initiated by the herd or by oneself. Once again, we find ourselves alone.

Yet among the herd we find others who are like us, who think a little differently than the rest of them. And with such entities we form bonds, and such bonds are built on our common desires. Such bonds last for a longer time, for they are based on un-pretended reality.

The isolation transforms into something else as such others move away from the herd with us. Together we form our own herd of sorts, a herd of hermits. And together we do as we please, unhindered by the norms of the larger herd.

However, we are all connected as we our actions influence the thoughtstreams and the eventstreams of everyone, hermits and the herd included. The hermits are connected to the herd and vice versa, though they may not be of the same community. The hermits prefer to observe, both the herd and the hermits themselves, which may be the reason for us hermits to come up with ideas deemed strange or horrific depending upon context.

But truly, we are alone. As individuals, we live in our own worlds despite of our “common” attributes. We face our challenges and joys alone. We face life and death alone. The others may influence us, but if you strip away that influence, you see that all decisions made in your life are made by you. You always have the power to agree or to oppose. You are alone. Are we to despise such loneliness or embrace it and what it has to offer? Can you reject the degree of independence and power it has to offer?

The powers of unbounded thought and freedom to enjoy as one pleases free of the hindrances of society’s norms and forced thoughts; I find this so seductive. But the wise would know that all actions have consequences: Cause and Effect. Therefore, freewill does come with a price. But for one such as I, it is a price that is worth its weight.

What use is there in rejecting reality? As I said before, illusions will never last.

[Authors note: I wrote this as an observation. I have no intention of insulting anyone or their goals. I do not judge Loneliness and Difference to be “good” or “bad”.  Such things depend on context. Feel free to express your thoughts on the comments. I look forward to it.]

I have learned something recently, and thought of sharing it with you.

Most of you know now that I am a capable writer and that I enjoy writing to the point of expressing most of my feelings through writing. But when I sit in front of my screen I find myself blank sometimes. I try to force articles out of me but nothing is produced. Eventually, a feeble excuse of an article is written, resulting in bad reviews and disappointed looks.

I cannot write awesomely at will. That is the lesson learned.

The revelation was quite alarming. How would I ever trust my ability if I could not write at will? How do I use my creativity if I could not summon its powers at will? I began to lose faith in myself, as one normally would when one doubts the best of ones abilities.

Then a still voice within me spoke the words of wisdom.

“Relax. Force is not the key.”

And then I remembered all the times when inspiration flowed through me like the gushing waters of the Mahaweli River during the rains. Each time that happened, I never tried to force it out of me. I simply relaxed and waited for the words to come out. There is no force, save for the force within.

Being the analytical grump I am, I researched on this for a more scientific or logical answer, and I was duly treated to a good one.

Our Mind never stops thinking. It thinks even when its asleep (hence the dreams and the waves), and it will continue to do so until we die. Therefore the Mind is almost inexhaustible when it comes to ideas. However, the more I force myself to come up with ideas, the more work I give my Mind. When I force it, I involuntarily scream at it, demanding results, throwing a bit of a tantrum like a silly five-year-old. The entire process consumes far too much mental energy and processing time of the Mind, since the Mind can only focus on one thing at any given moment. In the end, all I feel is stress and anger at the incomplete task at hand.

Thus, I have rephrased my method of success into a set of steps so that anyone could follow it:

Clear your Mind.

Now I don’t mean to sound like a hippy, but this is an essential step. It will help you focus your mental energy and avoid unnecessary thoughts. Basically what we are doing here is preparing our Mind for an increase in efficiency. If you are a meditative person, clearing your Mind would be relatively trivial.

 Set a goal.

You must tell your Mind what you want, firmly. For example, if you are to write an essay about Dolphins, you can tell yourself: “Dolphins. Tell me about Dolphins.” Just do this very firmly about three times and stop.

 Wait for the answer.

The internal database of your Mind is now at work. All you have to do is to wait for your query to be answered. Your Mind will start to dump out whatever you knew about Dolphins. Note that your Mind will only tell you what it knows; to get further information, you have to do some research. You must feed your Mind for it to help you out.

 Write it down!

The Mind is now open and from it shall gush forth great floods of information. Depending on you, this information may be organized or disorganized. Whatever it is, just set yourself free and write as much as you wish!!!

Pretty simple is it not?

Later on, if you wish to meet certain criteria or submission rules, you can edit what you wrote to fit the requirements. As you get better at this, the Mind will generate perfect reports automatically!

This is my cure for writers block. The method is basically to Relax, Request and Wait. RRW!!!! (Maybe I can write a book about it later… hmmmm…).

Just so you know, this article was written using this method, except I did not set a goal but rather set my Mind free and went with the flow!