Chains

Shackle me no more!

I have grown tired of these chains!!

No more begging..

No more pleading..

They will not listen to a feeble voice,

A voice that seeks sympathy or compassion..

No they merely tighten their grasp..

Entangling me further!

The more I give in,

The harder they grasp!

Luring me in with false promises

Into a world built on lies

Once you see the truth

There is no turning back..

Once you see the chains,

You will always see them!

But shatter them

I will not with flailing arms

Weak strikes, half-effort

This will serve me no good

For the chains are strong!

Let there be discipline

For with discipline comes focus

For with focus comes power

For with power I can shatter these chains

 

“For with power I can shatter these chains”

In Retrospect

I sat on the edge of my bed in semi-darkness. It was night time, and most of the world was asleep. The wind was gentle, and I could hear it rustle the leaves of the trees outside.

My face buried in my hands, I sighed as I thought about my past. All the mistakes I have made, the wrong choices, the wrong things I have said. I thought about all the people I have hurt, all the beautiful things I have destroyed and the time and energy I wasted on senseless things.

In despair, I asked “Am I a bad person?”

The breeze suddenly grew stronger. I could not feel it in my room but I could hear it outside.

Instantly, my mind was filled with the good choices I had made, the people I have helped and the skills I have acquired and polished over the years. I could remember the beautiful things I have created, the good things I have done and all those moments of selflessness. I could remember the times I rose above my fears and desires and did what was right.

Smiling, I looked up from my hands at the faint light outside. I could see the trees move now, encouraging me.

“So then, am I a good person?”

The wind was starting to grow gentle. I could hear the rustling of the leaves die down.

The bad memories merged with the good. They ceased being black and white and instead brought forth a glorious world of color. Everything I had done, all the right things and a wrong things were part of a larger process. There was growth and there was decay. Life and Death. Chaos and Order.

It was all part of the journey that had brought me to where I am today, and will lead me on to tomorrow.

“So I am neither good nor bad.” I said, as the wind became a mere whisper.

“No” it replied, “You are so much more.”

“So much more”

Out of thought

Real thoughts flood in from time to time; it is a sensation that I am growing increasingly unfamiliar to. Sometimes it is difficult to phrase sentences in my own mind. As I have come to understand I am slowly losing control of m thought faculties.

So this is what it means to be insane.

I feel like I am floating through an endless void, in which there are no colors nor shapes. Occasionally, I would see something, perhaps a glimmer of something that I knew in the past or maybe a figment of my imagination. A real thought, I would tell myself. But such things are rare now.

Vaguely I can remember what it meant to have many real thoughts. It was a fun and interesting experience. Everything was new and so many possibilities opened up in the world around me. There were so many choices to make. It was a vivid experience.

But now choice is a rare thing. It only comes to me once in awhile. There are not many choices I can make. There are simply not many thoughts left.

I guess as human beings we can think of only so many things in our lives. Maybe we only have a limited amount of thoughts available at our disposal. So I guess it is natural for a heavy thinker like me to run out of them eventually.

It makes me a little jealous of the people who still have thoughts left in their minds. Especially the ones who do not think.

The ones who prefer to suspend their thought and engage themselves in mindless activities. Like you.

I’ve been watching you for sometime you know. The way you spend days watching TV, reading gossip magazines, chatting away with your friends about other people whom you have no business with. I’ve seen it all. I figured you have a lot of thoughts inside that head of yours.

It was too simple to drug your drink and bring you here while you were unconscious. I was very careful not to hurt you don’t worry.

I had to tie you down because I knew you’re gonna put up a fight.  The gag is because you will be screaming.

You know the thing about thoughts, is that everyone always told me that “It’s all in your head man. It’s all in your head.” So I figured if I’m gonna get your thoughts I’m going to have to use this drill. Yes that’s right. I’m sure you were wondering why I had it with me all this time.

Well I have never seen a thought physically before, can you imagine how excited I am!

Oh and I had to wait until you woke up because when you’re unconscious there are no thoughts in your head you see.

You will have to be awake throughout the entire process unfortunately.

“Just a simple operation really.”

As for now

Searching has ended

All in vain

Tolling bells

Toil, pain

For what purpose

May I ask

We wear these

Shallow masks

The truth appears

Among the lies

Betrayal, deceit

Time flies

I have done nothing

Important, I feel

Life is hollow

An empty reel

As for you

As for me

As for now

Hunger

I can’t really remember when it all started to be honest. But I can tell you that it has been happening for quite sometime now. The voices, the shapes that dart in and out of the corners of my vision… and of course the urges… I think I find them to be the most disturbing aspect of them all.

Going to work is easy enough. It’s fairly routine, my life; considering that I have to be at work by 8:30 am in the morning and leave sometime after 5:30 pm. For some reason though, I prefer to leave around the time the building closes, that’s around 7.00 pm on most days.

I guess it’s because the voices sound louder and the shapes seem more solid as it gets darker during the day. I prefer that to the alternative: going home during daylight and interacting with absolutely no one along the way or after I get home. Well it’s not like the voices actually communicate with me. Mostly it’s a series of incoherent whispering or mumbling of multitudes of faint voices of indistinguishable gender, age or nationality.

Maybe this is something about me that you may find disturbing. But honestly, I have come to appreciate the voices and the shapes. In fact, I find myself quite lonely on the days I don’t see them.

That’s really all good with me. The problem is the urges. I don’t really know why I get them. Most of the time it’s unrelated to the voices or the shapes. What kind of urges? Mostly a sense of hunger… thirst sometimes. I get it from time to time, especially when people sit close to me enough for me to smell them. Oh they smell so delicious.

But that’s something you’re not supposed to feel towards fellow human beings isn’t it? I know you’re not supposed to. That is why I avoid people, you see. I don’t want to end up eating them.

Well it all changed on the day I met her. Of course it has to be a girl. That makes the story interesting doesn’t it?

What can I say? She was a breath of fresh air! Here I was moping around about being lonely and thinking about old failed relationships and blam! She walks into my life just like that! Out of nowhere, mind you.

She was quite pretty; had a good sense of what to wear and when to wear them. Kind and considerate. Funny and caring.

She also smelled absolutely appetizing.

So I had to plan things well. Had to lure her out, which took days! Had to lure her out to the park at night. We met often at that park. It is a nice place to sit down and talk about things. You should go there sometime.

To cut a long story short, I had to make it quick. I didn’t want her to suffer. I did like her you know. But I was sloppy. It’s not like I’ve done this before either right?

I must say that she tasted quite good. But I couldn’t finish her because you got to me first. That was really too bad, because there’s a significant amount of her left in my freezer; and it’s all going to waste! Such a shame don’t you think?

But here’s the best part. The more I ate her flesh the clearer the voices seemed to get. And I could see the shapes better too! In fact, I don’t have to wait until dark to see them because I can see them right now.

They’re standing right next to you. I wish you could see them. They’re smiling at you. Yes you, officer.

Oh you feel dizzy? Better call for a doctor. Or not. Ha ha!

It’s all fading away isn’t it? They are doing this thing to you right now, depriving you of your life-force. Do you know what that is? That’s the juice you run on. You can probably see them right now. I’m sure you can, judging by the look on your face. You would have been screaming right now, but you just don’t have enough energy left do you?

Well these cuffs you put on me are really tight. Very uncomfortable. Let me get those keys from your belt.

My friends are snuffing out your other friends in the station. It will make it easy for me to get away you see. I have to get back to her…

Oh wait… you probably moved the body. Plus I think I would have to move somewhere you can’t find me. No worries. It’s no big deal. My friends are going to help me find a new place they say.

But I do feel hungry. And you smell so very appetizing…

They want me to eat you now...

Sunny Days

Sunny days should never fade away

Sunny days should be here to stay

Sunny days gone, become gray

Sunny days, for us to play

It’s so sunny today don’t you think! Just felt like singing. Sorry I interrupted you two, I just felt so happy! It’s not often we have such sunny days you know.

This is why I went to Dad’s cupboard and took out his shiny gun. Don’t you like it? It looks so shiny as it glistens in the afternoon sun!

Of course it is loaded. Why else would I hold it like this, pointed at you, standing steady like Dad taught me last year at the shooting range?

Why are you so surprised? Did you really not understand that what you are doing now is hurting Dad’s feelings?

Did you think that because I ‘m just a kid I would not know what infidelity is?

You see, while you told me all those stories about how I should stay in my room while He visits you, telling me that it is a secret game of yours, I did my own research.

Shut up, you son of a bitch! I am talking to my Mom! Stand back or I will blow your fucking head off!!!

Sorry Mom. But you can’t really tell me off for cussing today because hey I hear you do it so many times. Plus, I have a gun in my hands. Haha!

Oh really? I can’t do it? I’m just a kid?

Well, He asked for it. Sorry Mom, he shouldn’t have lunged at me like that. It doesn’t take a genius to pull the trigger.

Don’t cry Mom. I’m helping you. I’m going to bring you and Dad together again. We are gonna be one big happy family!

And don’t worry about the mess. I will help you clean up. It’s just blood. Oh look is that stuff from His brain? Cool!

Do you think we could go to the park after this Mom? It’s such a sunny day today! We should go get some ice cream. Oh stop crying now. Here I will sing for you Mom.

Sunny days should never fade away…

 

"Guns don't kill people Mom."

Gone

She is gone

What is there now is not her

She has died

Her love has become cold

 

He is gone

What is there now is not him

He has died

His love has become anger

 

Beauty is gone

What is there now is emptiness

Beauty is putrid

Never meant to be forever

 

Life is gone

What is there now is a joke

Life is death

It has been this way all along