Post-birthday Updates, 2008

OMG HAI!!!!!

 

First and foremost, please accept my humble apologies for not writing anything for a long time be it on my FB notes or on my blog. If you cannot accept this apology, go fly.

 

So I’m writing this directly after my birthday, which was yesterday. I just turned 22. Twenty-bubblegum-two! (it’s better than saying the F word is it not?) and I feel so old. I mean come on, 22??? It totally makes me so old. And this whole dodging proposals thing (as some of you may know already) was annoying enough. I can’t say “let me grow up!” cuz I am grown up. :S   But I do manage to snake myself out of the problem. Ah the complications of life…

 

So now I’ve started my 3^rd year at IIT, which also means that I am not at IIT but in my industrial placement, which I’ve been doing for a month. It’s a software company called Aeturnum. Google it for details. All I’m going to tell you is that it is walking distance from my place (so 0 transport costs!) and also is right next to the local Mc Donalds (cheeseburgers FTW!!!) and KFC.

 

Working is a different experience. I mean I have done a couple of part time jobs but they were never in offices. The whole office thing was totally new to me, since I can’t really act the same way I act in college for example. You won’t see me skidding along the corridors at office! (Although I did a cartwheel for the fun of it one morning when the office was deserted).

 

Also there are other things looming in the horizon which means a lot to me… but more on that later.

 

Hehhehhahhihehehaeiehihaeihehhiaeihoohehahiehoaoehohooahehaahhehehaha!

 

Academic-wise, I still don’t know what I should do for my final year project, let alone my Masters. I was thinking of developing some sort of a build tool like ANT or Maven… but I dunno. Let’s see. I’m still working on my keylogger when I have time… although implementing it in C++ was tougher than I thought. The VB version was ok… but buggy. Ugh. Perhaps Java?? Hmmmmm…….

 

So other than that there have been a couple of good things that did happen over the past few months. For example my friends from NUS showed up and we had a “gala” time meeting up randomly on a couple of days. My cousins from USA and Canada visited as well as some cousins from Kurunegala (who hardly ever come to Colombo). Two of my cousins got married (then I felt really old) which was kinda fun I must admit (although I generally avoid weddings) and happy (I am getting old aren’t I? *sigh*). Then Panzer finally got his Rabies vaccine for this year; hopefully it will work (at the rate that guy gets into fights….).

 

I haven’t gamed in ages. I seriously mean in about a month or so. I feel so… not me. Not even NFS. Nothing. Minesweeper doesn’t count. Was thinking of playing a bit of CS online during the weekend but I then realized that my time was better spent elsewhere. I had configured my PC gamepads to work for Halo to get an Xbox-like effect… but I couldn’t try that out properly yet. I am getting old aren’t I?

 

What else? Hmm… some friends came back from abroad after a long time and some left (yes Maheshi, you included).  I did a huge re-arrangement of my room and threw out most of my old stuff (mostly junk) and saved room for new things. Got most of my stuff repaired (including parts of the stereo system to help my chill out with awesome music). I am slowly turning my room into a lounge/club for my personal enjoyment, although it lacks a minifridge and a sofa.

 

What else… hmmmmmmm

 

Got a couple of new songs written and got music composed to them. Recorded some of it and we’ll probably put some on youtube (with footage of us playing). Viewer (and listner) discretion is advised. Use earplugs if necessary.  We decided to change the name of our “band” (if you can call an on-and-off musical-gathering of three guys that) from “Citemhtira” to something else. We haven’t decided on the new name yet… but we’ll come up with something I’m sure.

 

So yeah the present is mellow for the moment but the future seems to be full of new and exciting things (again… you’ll get to know soon!) so I am looking forward to a lot while trying to live in the present. If I did snap at you around the last few weeks I’m sorry. I just haven’t had enough rest and you know how that is. Getting used to it. Heh heh.

 

Until next time, be good and eat your greens. Mallung FTW!!!!

Prageeth the Ping Pong Puppy

Vesak Vivisection

Most of us Sri Lankans hate the LTTE. But Vesak marks the birth, enlightenment and death of the greatest master of compassion ever, the Buddha. So it is logical that we should at least TRY to spread some lovingkindness (metta) to our dear terrorists…

 

“Bomb threat”

“Avoid crowded places”

“Security measures taken”

“Not safe”

 

Wow they really put a wet blanket on Vesak didn’t they?

When I was younger, Vesak was truly a time of joy. We would go to the temple in the morning (cuz it is less crowded then) or maybe observe sil at the local DP (Daham Paasal / Buddhist Sunday School). In the afternoon, we would go sightseeing in the family vehicle or together with a bunch of friends to see the decorations. And man… did we love to see ‘em! There was so much to see and experience during Vesak, which in my opinion was cooler than the Sinhala New Year (probably because of the lights heh heh).

But all that is taken away from us now. We can’t go out and have fun without worrying about the fat lady standing next to us (is she gonna explode??? ) or that lonely parcel lying on the pavement (OMGs or “Hath deiyane!!”). The terrorists did a pretty good job of screwing it up. Thanks guys.

It’s hard to spread compassion to them with all this in mind, don’t you think?

I can hear you fundie-evangelists go “HA! That’s why we keep saying Buddhism is a false faith! It’s impossible to follow it! CONVERT, THOU HEATHEN!!!!”

Aha, but you see… Buddhism has already covered this. How?

 

“Impermanent are all composite things”.

Last time I checked, we were all pretty composite. We are all gonna die some day, be it by bomb or bus (this IS Sri Lanka we are talking about) or something else (like a rampaging minister-brat). Bottom line is, we’re all gonna snuff out one day. So enjoy life while you still can. And be nice to others. That pretty much sums it up.

 

“SILENCE! WE KILL YOU!!!!”

Terrorists… people who believe in causing terror. The more we are terrified of them, the happier they are. The more you are afraid of them, the closer they are to their goal.

“What can we do?” one may ask. “We are not superhuman! We are vulnerable to shrapnel and bullet. We can die by the mere heat of the bombs.”

Precisely.

Our strength is in our vulnerability isn’t it? We know we can die in so many ways and yet we take life for granted. If we truly realized that we will die eventually, death becomes something normal. And we tend to enjoy life to the max.

So what can we do? How do we overcome terror? By not being afraid. By realizing that we have the choice of not giving into these guys. By realizing that all they want to do is to divide us and to weaken us to gloat over our cowering forms. Doesn’t that piss you off? Don’t you want to fight back? Don’t you want to step in and take charge instead of letting them walk all over you?

 

I’ve faced death a couple of times. I have felt the raw fear of dying. I have felt the adrenaline pound through me. Each second that passed at those times whacked me on the head with hard doses of reality. “You are going to die. Are you ready?”. I was scared shitless.

But does that mean we give in to that fear? Let it overwhelm us? The choice is yours to take.

 

I almost drowned once.

I had a fear of drowning ever since. But I never gave up swimming. I didn’t give in to the fear, instead I used it to realize that I am vulnerable to drowning. But does that mean I am to deny myself the pleasure of a nice underwater adventure amidst the coral reefs of Sri Lanka? No. Hence, I still swim to better my chances of survival in water.

 

So it brings us back to Buddhism again (which is cool, because it’s Vesak!)

Life is suffering. Don’t bother sugar coating it. (I can hear the fundies go “Buddhism is pessimistic!”). Assholes like the LTTE and corrupted politicians make sure that you suffer for their benefit.

But this doesn’t mean we let suffering overwhelm us. Instead, in Buddhism we are taught to strive to transcend it. To elevate ourselves to a state beyond suffering. This is not some hippy-drug-acid-trip-trance thing. This is something practical and something possible. Never give up. Never give in.

 

Go out there! Enjoy Vesak! Enjoy life! (Now don’t go do stupid things like jump off buildings screaming “I AM IMMORTAL!!!! I HAVE INSIDE ME BLOOD OF…”*SPLAT*). Take a couple of calculated risks and chill! Live in the moment (while keeping a bit of a margin for the future) and let the past be. You have a choice. You cast the vote. You are your puppeteer. Don’t let anyone else pull your strings.

 

Oh now that you realize that you have a choice in the matter, try and spread a bit of compassion to ‘em terrorists will ya? Pau neh?

 

May this Vesak bring all of you peace and joy and remind you that you totally rock.

 

“Vayadhammā sankhārā appamādena sampādethā”

(” All things are perishable, through vigilance Awaken!”)

-         Gautama Buddha

 

PS: I have nothing against Christianity. I’ve just been dealing with a lot of unwanted (not to mention annoying) evangelism lately… *sigh*

MOAR UPDAITZ!!!

Oh hai.

 

I is wraiting this lettah to yuos alls cuz I is board rofl!

 

Okay enough of lolcatspeak…. Thing is, I’ve become a bit of fan of the lolcat fad since of late, after my introduction to:

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Check it out! Yuos will laik it I swears!

 

I was kinda sick on Friday and Saturday… couldn’t function properly… something was very wrong with my biological system because I felt dizzy and unstable… But since of this morning I feel bettah!

 

Pity I missed CS on Friday though L…

 

So this week finds me immersed in Event-Driven programming… it being one of my least favorite subjects… not that I don’t like the technical or philosophical aspect of it… its just that the lecturer was… well… not very enthusiastic during class. Not enthusiastic @ all. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz……

 

But it is unwise to say such things about ones lecturer so I work my shoes off (yes, those old worn out shoes I wear for class everyday) trying to master the concepts…

 

I was pleasantly surprised today by a large bowl of Varaka during lunch. Now I didn’t expect that at all! I like my Varakaz pure and uncorrupted by the likes of salt and pepper (but am generally disappointed since everyone else likes it corrupted), and I am glad that I now have access to such a large amount of virgin Varaka….

 

These days find me with stranger dreams as usual… ones usually involving friends of mine doing the most ridiculous things… such as singing “Nessun Dorma” with me while I was climbing a tall wall just to sit on a ledge there… Then there were a couple of funnier dreams with Vampires in ‘em. Now these guys were scary because they literally were corpses with fangs (dressed in corpsey attire) walking around, and the one I met gave me the most pervy smile (the kind a foreign pedo would give a kid on a Negombo beach) to which I reacted perfectly unalarmed somehow and managed to give him the directions that he wanted. ‘Tis what one does when one is an usher of a Vampire convention…

 

Exams will span for three more weeks, and I eagerly await their end. I have some plans for this holiday, like to spend a couple of days on a beach holiday (with or without friends. Depends on my mood.) writing loads and loads of stuff… And then I was thinking of doing a couple of Youtube skits cuz I have these… “ideas” in my head that I would like to see performed before I hit the dust. By hitting the dust, I mean dying. Lol.

 

Also, I am kinda planning to work on my own keylogger….  ]

 

Well if anyone wants to meet up for an outing, I’ll be free after the 2^nd of June, so just message me over MSN or FB or phone or whatever. And pray that the dates and plans do not clash with mine…

 

Kthxbai!

Prageeth

Updates for 11.05.08

Hey guys and gals and intermediates,

It’s me, your friendly Neighborhood (Copy) Ninja here, giving a general update about what’s in and what’s out in my mediocre life. MEDIOCREEEEE!!!!!

Firstly I must tell you that there’s something that’s taking a lot of time and energy in my life right now, and that it’s the number one priority of mine… exams. I love ‘em. I love ‘em to death. My death. Yeah.

Secondly, I got a new computer… it’s a HP Business Notebook…. Here are the specs:

Intel Core Duo 1.83 Ghz
2.49 GB RAM
Mobile Intel 945 Chipset (onboard VGA… L)

And it also comes with Windows f***ing VISTA!!! VISTA???? OMGs WTF?????

I’m going to get XP and some form of Linux installed on this…

I don’t plan to use it for gaming though… just programming, video and sound editing and stuff like that. The screen is waaay too small for gaming…. BUT I will have CS 1.6 Installed for “special occasions”. XD

Thirdly, I plan to keep my old laptop for gaming, and will also experiment wildly with it (since the company ain’t gonna take it back and nobody’s gonna buy it). LAPTOP SPRAY-PAINTING FTW!!!!

Well I have my first paper tomorrow (Object Oriented Programming) so I have to go now. Thanks for reading. I know this post isn’t up to my usual standards.

Deal with it.

Sippi katu,
Prageeth

Sleep: only a dream?

 

They will not let me sleep. They will never let me sleep. They will only allow naps.

 

Who are “they”? Why, the external world of course. I am begging to assume that they are all connected in a global scale, bent on a conspiracy of depriving me of my sleep. I need my sleep, for it is one of the many things that keep me sane. But no, I am deprived of it.

 

Sleep is essential to us all, as it is the phase where almost everything, save for the vital functions, go to rest. It is when the body and the mind are set into a “recharge” mode, with relaxed brainwave patterns and whatnots. Everyone likes to sleep, especially after a very long and stressful day. I am stating the obvious again. But this is purely to impress upon you the necessity of sleep.

 

But am I allowed to access the full potential of sleep? No! Deep sleep is something I have not known for sometime. Each night is full of interruptions, be it from nonsensical dreams, insects, parents, cousins, the sibling, friends, the phone, the cook or the dog. I find some peace in the early hours of the morning however; but that peace is short-lived, for other members of my family hastily awaken me with a series of loud knocks on my bedroom door accompanied by a rain of reminders of what I have to accomplish. As a result I have developed into a non-morning person. Yes, I am very very cranky in the morning.

 

Alas, I try to ensure a good night’s sleep, but it is something that evades me, and is also something I have to live with. L

Drop it like it’s cold

I am sure many of you have heard the song the line above is inspired from. But I wrote this topic fully aware of the meaning I want to convey. How often do you come across something that is cold and unwanted? How often do you come across something cold and lifeless? Do you hold on to it or just drop it?

Now do you understand? It is cold. And you drop it because it is cold, because it has nothing to offer. It gives forth no warmth. No energy. It is dead and is simply not worth anything. “Drop it like it’s cold”. I hope you understand what I mean now.

Sometimes life takes on a form of a cold, dead piece of meat; rotting, casting out pungent fumes of toxic gas, consuming everything you liked within its grasp. It spreads its death around, along with apathy. What is one to do with  a cold life?

When one loses purpose in life, it becomes cold. Cold and dead. Drop it, for it is useless. Cease to exist. Go kill yourself.

But there is a way out. Before life becomes cold, the purpose dies. So when the purpose dies you drop the purpose, picking up a new one. Death to life and life to death. There is much to do inbetween. Do you understand me now? Drop it like it’s cold.

It’s cold. Useless. Dead. I will drop it now.

Loneliness and Difference

 “From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.”

- “Alone” Edgar Allan Poe

Do not jump into conclusions by reading this. It is merely an observation I have made.

 What does it mean to be different? 

Is it something strange? An anomaly? Something overly contrastable from the majority? Are not we all different from each other? I understand that most people share similar qualities and common goals… but a few of us do not. We have different tastes and interests. Sometimes this difference can alienate us from the rest of the herd.

 It gets awfully lonely in the forest sometimes. 

Sometimes, unable to deal with this loneliness, we try to fit in with the rest of the herd; mimicking their actions and emulating their thoughtstreams. For a while, we are content but after sometime we realize that we are not. We, after all, were merely living in an illusion we created and such illusions are not meant to last. For us, happiness is in truth and not in illusion. Perhaps that is why one such as I, does not find happiness in illusionary things for a very long time. Interesting.

Realizing our follies, we revert back to our original selves, re-establishing our original behavior and re-realizing our true desires or goals. Then the herd begins to see through us. Some of them may accept us, and some of them may not. Either way, the process of slow isolation begins, initiated by the herd or by oneself. Once again, we find ourselves alone.

Yet among the herd we find others who are like us, who think a little differently than the rest of them. And with such entities we form bonds, and such bonds are built on our common desires. Such bonds last for a longer time, for they are based on un-pretended reality.

The isolation transforms into something else as such others move away from the herd with us. Together we form our own herd of sorts, a herd of hermits. And together we do as we please, unhindered by the norms of the larger herd.

However, we are all connected as we our actions influence the thoughtstreams and the eventstreams of everyone, hermits and the herd included. The hermits are connected to the herd and vice versa, though they may not be of the same community. The hermits prefer to observe, both the herd and the hermits themselves, which may be the reason for us hermits to come up with ideas deemed strange or horrific depending upon context.

But truly, we are alone. As individuals, we live in our own worlds despite of our “common” attributes. We face our challenges and joys alone. We face life and death alone. The others may influence us, but if you strip away that influence, you see that all decisions made in your life are made by you. You always have the power to agree or to oppose. You are alone. Are we to despise such loneliness or embrace it and what it has to offer? Can you reject the degree of independence and power it has to offer?

The powers of unbounded thought and freedom to enjoy as one pleases free of the hindrances of society’s norms and forced thoughts; I find this so seductive. But the wise would know that all actions have consequences: Cause and Effect. Therefore, freewill does come with a price. But for one such as I, it is a price that is worth its weight.

What use is there in rejecting reality? As I said before, illusions will never last.

[Authors note: I wrote this as an observation. I have no intention of insulting anyone or their goals. I do not judge Loneliness and Difference to be “good” or “bad”.  Such things depend on context. Feel free to express your thoughts on the comments. I look forward to it.]

Willful Writing

I have learned something recently, and thought of sharing it with you.

Most of you know now that I am a capable writer and that I enjoy writing to the point of expressing most of my feelings through writing. But when I sit in front of my screen I find myself blank sometimes. I try to force articles out of me but nothing is produced. Eventually, a feeble excuse of an article is written, resulting in bad reviews and disappointed looks.

I cannot write awesomely at will. That is the lesson learned.

The revelation was quite alarming. How would I ever trust my ability if I could not write at will? How do I use my creativity if I could not summon its powers at will? I began to lose faith in myself, as one normally would when one doubts the best of ones abilities.

Then a still voice within me spoke the words of wisdom.

“Relax. Force is not the key.”

And then I remembered all the times when inspiration flowed through me like the gushing waters of the Mahaweli River during the rains. Each time that happened, I never tried to force it out of me. I simply relaxed and waited for the words to come out. There is no force, save for the force within.

Being the analytical grump I am, I researched on this for a more scientific or logical answer, and I was duly treated to a good one.

Our Mind never stops thinking. It thinks even when its asleep (hence the dreams and the waves), and it will continue to do so until we die. Therefore the Mind is almost inexhaustible when it comes to ideas. However, the more I force myself to come up with ideas, the more work I give my Mind. When I force it, I involuntarily scream at it, demanding results, throwing a bit of a tantrum like a silly five-year-old. The entire process consumes far too much mental energy and processing time of the Mind, since the Mind can only focus on one thing at any given moment. In the end, all I feel is stress and anger at the incomplete task at hand.

Thus, I have rephrased my method of success into a set of steps so that anyone could follow it:

Clear your Mind.

Now I don’t mean to sound like a hippy, but this is an essential step. It will help you focus your mental energy and avoid unnecessary thoughts. Basically what we are doing here is preparing our Mind for an increase in efficiency. If you are a meditative person, clearing your Mind would be relatively trivial.

 Set a goal.

You must tell your Mind what you want, firmly. For example, if you are to write an essay about Dolphins, you can tell yourself: “Dolphins. Tell me about Dolphins.” Just do this very firmly about three times and stop.

 Wait for the answer.

The internal database of your Mind is now at work. All you have to do is to wait for your query to be answered. Your Mind will start to dump out whatever you knew about Dolphins. Note that your Mind will only tell you what it knows; to get further information, you have to do some research. You must feed your Mind for it to help you out.

 Write it down!

The Mind is now open and from it shall gush forth great floods of information. Depending on you, this information may be organized or disorganized. Whatever it is, just set yourself free and write as much as you wish!!!

Pretty simple is it not?

Later on, if you wish to meet certain criteria or submission rules, you can edit what you wrote to fit the requirements. As you get better at this, the Mind will generate perfect reports automatically!

This is my cure for writers block. The method is basically to Relax, Request and Wait. RRW!!!! (Maybe I can write a book about it later… hmmmm…).

Just so you know, this article was written using this method, except I did not set a goal but rather set my Mind free and went with the flow!

Storm

The bus was late. 

It was annoying when this happened, yet I couldn’t but wonder at the darkening skies above. Every once in awhile there would be a flash among the black clouds followed by a low rumble. Rain was upon us and I had a long busride home; longer than usual due to the overwhelming traffic that seemed to crawl in short jerks every few minutes.

I gazed at the faces of the drivers, all of them so angry or stressed, but a few of them with blank stares as they probably wallowed in some imaginary spa in their minds. The pedestrians had the advantage of movement, scurrying about like busy ants of a newly broken ant-hill, eager to get to shelter before the storm hits. 

I looked up at the sky again and it was now a churning mass of blackness, lightning forking among the gaps. There wasn’t a hint of rain yet, save for the strengthening winds and random rumbles of the sky gods. Ah the Sky Gods! I remembered the old tales my mother used to tell me on rainy days. The Sky Gods would decide the fate of the skies, and they alone would decide if there were to be rain or famine below. What did they look like? Well the traditional clothing and the crowns were the usual description. I mused at the thought of a newer Sky God, dressed in suit-and-tie. My mild laugh caught some annoyed glances in the bus stop.

Clearly, there was no mood for humour here. 

The traffic was at a complete standstill now. “Rush hour.” I heard someone mutter next to me. True, the streets of Colombo could never be empty at this time of the day, when everyone just wanted to get back to their homes and watch their favorite soap operas. And the soap operas! Full of family feuds and discreet affairs, they offered entertainment to the twisted minds of the majority. Why did people enjoy seeing the quarrels of others? I don’t know. 

I began my brisk walk home. The bus wasn’t going to come anytime soon. I’ll get home faster this way, or maybe get into another bus I meet in the traffic. Perhaps it wasn’t the most logical thing to do at the time, yet it seemed prudent, somehow. The line of vehicles never budged, and sprawled endlessly into the horizon. The darkened atmosphere gave the scene a morbid feel, and perhaps that is what made me feel apprehensive. Sometimes you feel things before they happen. And such things are usually terrifying. This was one of those times.

I walked faster, avoiding oncoming pedestrians. Thunder cracked loudly over me, and the winds blew stronger. A bunch of children ran past me towards the closest shelter. The rain began without warning. It didn’t start off as a slow drizzle, as an approaching cloud would feel, with its thinnest edge hovering over you with a gently downpour, evolving gradually into a stronger torrent. No, this was sudden and spontaneous. It felt like the clouds burst open with all their fury, the thunder and lightning providing them with wild encouragement, as we would do to the dancing drunk in the climax of a late-night party. 

The sane thing to do would be to run for cover, hoping to avoid the celestial waters and possible pneumonia. But I felt that I did not need to and so I did not. I walked as I had done when all was dry just moments ago, the rain pouring all over me, giving me the appearance of one who was pushed into a pool. I did not even bother to cover my head. I needed nothing to protect me at that moment for there was nothing to be protected. I was nothing. There was only the rain. 

Have you spent some time in the rain? Then you know that rain stimulates all your senses. You can hear, see, touch, taste and smell it. The smell of rain is a pleasant one, endowed with unearthly freshness and purity. Something hardly found upon the surface of our polluted planet. It seems to give you strange new energy and a sense of comfort, with its coolness penetrating you, its sounds imprinting themselves in your brain, much like a symphony orchestra would do, driving you into an altered state of mind, full of power, calmness and clarity. 

And in this state of consciousness I stopped my journey and stared into the dark sky above. The rain drops flew from it like shrapnel from an explosion. Thunder rumbled as lightning heralded their coming. And in the flashes of the highest skies I could see the shapes of the Sky Gods, majestic and gigantic, gazing benevolently down at the world below them. And as I saw them I knew they could see me too. In our silent exchange I learned the wisdom of the Sky Gods. A flash, and all was gone.

A charred body was left behind on earth surrounded by shocked humans, some crying, some in silence. An ascension was completed and now I gaze down upon the world I once belonged to, as my peers stand by me doing the same, directing the celestial waters to their destiny.

Madelyn

Where had thee gone?
I seeked thy forest
I seeked thee long
And found only unrest

Fragrance, thine inbound
Only a memory as mine
Remembers like the Hound
Of fate and twisted lines

I called unto thee
And saw a cry for patience
To soon, I could scarcely breathe
Shallow, free of sensations

Of spoken words
Long gone before I dared
To close thine mouth, absurd
A moment of pain we shared

A struggle divine
As I ravaged thy body
As thou writhed under mine
And ended limp and heavy

Now into thine eyes I see
Hoping my smile would be met
But thine eyes are now empty
The Emptiness of Death